The good, the bad, and the customer service.

After seeing that a friend of mine had a rough experience with a Lowe's customer service rep, I figured that some of the customer service world must have decided that they would enter the realm of completely USELESS today.

So, Internet, here' s the conversation I had with USPS today. Please read USPS's lines as if this were a 20-year-old guy with no clue on how to talk to other human beings and questionable habits that may have altered his thinking patterns.

Me: "Hi. I was expecting a package and got an e-mail notification that a delivery was attempted, and a notice was left instead. There was no notice on any of our doors, and I was just wondering how I should go about picking up my package."

USPS: "Ok, what did your notice say?"

Me: [internally: "Seriously?!? Did you JUST ask me that?!?"] "Um, I'm saying that I never received an actual notice. Just an e-mail saying that it was undeliverable."

USPS: "Ok. So how do you know it wasn't delivered?"

Me: [internally: "What the hell, dude? Are you even paying attention?"] "I got an e-mail from Amazon saying that a delivery was attempted, but failed. It said to contact my post office for more information... [which has already proven to be a colossal mistake.]"

USPS: "So... how was it shipped?"

Me: [At this point, I'm checking to make sure I called the right number.] "Um. USPS."

USPS: "Ok. Hm. Do you know if it was shipped priority or standard or..."

Me: "I have no idea. All I know is that it was supposed to be here last week, and instead, I got an e-mail telling me to call you."

USPS: "What's your address?"

Me: ["Can't I just give you a tracking number instead?"] I reluctantly gave my address.

USPS, after several agonizing minutes of being on hold: "I don't see anything."

Me: "Hm. Ok. So what should I do? Should I try another post office? Or should I just wait and see if it comes in this week?"

USPS: "Do you have a tracking number?"

Me: ["There we go..."] And I read off the ridiculously long tracking number.

USPS, after several more agonizing minutes of being on hold: "Honey, it says it's still in transit."

Me, wanting to punch him in the face for calling me, "honey," and wondering why his tracking system says something completely different from the tracking system on their website, but too tired to aruge: "Ok. I guess I'll just wait to see if it comes in today. Thanks."

The conversation reads quickly, but I can assure you that it lasted well over 10 minutes.

I just hope the package comes in today. Otherwise, you can look forward to another stellar transcript of my experience with USPS.